Friday, November 06, 2009

Criminal masterminds of Iqaluit

When Bruce Wayne mused that "criminals are a cowardly and superstitious lot" he also forgot to mention "deeply stupid." Now, not all criminals are deeply stupid, of course. But for every criminal mastermind you're dealing with a lot of real idiots. I don't have the exact ratio, but I suspect if you picked one mastermind for every 1,000 criminal idiots, you would likely be conservative on the idiot side of the ledger.

After all, you're not too bright if a guy in tights and a cape with a habit of wearing his underwear on the outside is something that makes you piss your pants in fear.

So with that mind, I present to you two people not likely to make the shortlist if there is ever a reality program called "Iqaluit's Next Criminal Mastermind." It would be the men who robbed a Snack delivery driver last night.

We first noticed something was up when we got home last night. Cathy had a jewelry making class and I was at curling. But since we live next to the Snack we noticed the RCMP presence, with lots of photos being taken. So we wondered what was up. Lo and behold, both the CBC and Nunatsiaq News provide the information. A female delivery driver was robbed at rifle point by two men wearing masks. They got away with less than $100, which is the maximum amount drivers are allowed to carry.

So, can we count the ways in which they guys were idiots? Let's see:
1. I was originally going to say that the rifle, which they abandoned, probably cost more than a $100. But having looked at it, I don't think so. Plus, as Cathy pointed out to me, they probably stole it.
2. Even I know that Snack drivers don't carry much cash on them. You have to be an idiot to not know that.
3. They committed a $50 crime for a $1 profit, essentially. Go figure, the police don't like the idea of robberies occurring at gunpoint by masked men. I suspect catching these guys just became a priority. They're already saying it's a minimum four years in jail for this kind of crime. Four years for $100. Dead brilliant, that is.
4. If they're stupid enough to think this was a clever idea, they're stupid enough to get caught. Ten bucks says the RCMP already have a good idea who did this.

So, to sum up, the got a less than $100 in their clever scheme, but then threw away clothes and a rifle. That certainly cut into the already slim profit margin. And remember, that $100 gets split two ways. The police have the gun and clothes and are making it a priority to catch you and are already saying it's four years in jail for this piece of detailed planning.

We'll see, of course. All kinds of stupid ass crime happen around town that goes unpunished. But I do think the combination of rifles and masks does not bode well for our criminal masterminds.

Last Five
1. Lighthouse - Ron Hynes
2. Madame Geneva's - Mark Knopfler*
3. Fake tales of San Francisco - Arctic Monkeys
4. The trouble with normal (live) - Bruce Cockburn
5. Odette - Matthew Good

No comments: