Friday, March 06, 2009

Nuclear options

I wrote yesterday's post on a Truth and Reconciliation commission actually on Wednesday, but I try to spread the posts out a bit. I mention this to put something in perspective. That it was written before I read this story on the Telegram website and, more importantly, the comments section that followed.

Now I try, I really do, not to read the comments section on news stories. I ought to know better. One of these days Cathy is going to come home and find me keeled over on the keyboard of my computer, dead of stroke and the website on the screen is going to be the comments section from the Globe and Mail, the Telegram or CBC. But every now and then I get stupid and read them.

Such was the case with the Baker story. I read the comments because I genuinely felt most of them would be condemning Baker for the massive fool that he is. Instead, sadly and pathetically, the majority were going "right on George!"

Normally I would say that a tiny piece of me died reading those comments. Sadly, after this many years, Newfoundland nationalists have managed to kill off enough tiny pieces of me that I reached some kind of tipping point. The kind where you suddenly realize there's only one solution to the problem and it's not the one I had yesterday of a healthy Truth and Reconciliation purge. No, drastic measures were called for.

Yes, what's called for is the refreshing cleansing of the palate that comes with nuclear fire.

To my friends and family, who are obviously concerned by this recent and dramatic turn of events, no worries. You merely pre-sign a loyalty oath to Canada and you're guaranteed a solid 12 hours warning of the impending nuclear holocaust. And, on the upside, in three or four generations time, once the radiation levels have dropped to acceptable levels, your descendants can have first dibs on where to settle. They might be able to finally afford to buy a house in downtown St. John's. Bonus - no Atlantic Place to ruin the view.

For those of you sneering and doubting this can happen, a discussion earlier this week with my friend Clare on Facebook leads me to believe that within a year or so Arctic Bay missile technology will have advanced enough to enable me to launch a ballistic nuclear missile strike against Newfoundland from here in Iqaluit.

As for the nuclear part...this is Nunavut. There's that much uranium lying around here that I can cobble together enough to do the job, no problem.

I appreciate this seems drastic, but if there are that many people living in Newfoundland and Labrador who think George Baker is talking sense, that bringing on independence from Canada is a good idea, then really, let's just start from scratch and hopefully on the next try we can repopulate the place with halfway sensible people.

The people of my home province are driving me mad. It's come to this...where this is a sane option. Or at least as sane as the stuff I'm reading on news story message boards....

Last Five
1. Mesmerizing - Liz Phair
2. Have you no pride? - The Donnas
3. Missing - Beck
4. For reasons unknown - The Killers
5. A boy and his machine gun - Matthew Good Band*


Ron said...

I understand that lettuce spinners make good centrifuges

Simon said...

Gimme some notice so I can get me and the family out first. . .

The Perfect Storm said...

To help along those harbouring Dr. Strangelove aspirations, the following links will lead you through the essentials you need to

a) construct your atomic weapon

b) defuse your nuclear bomb, in the off-chance you get too carried away with your pre-deployment testing

Just remember to wash up when you're called for dinner, and leave the door to the workshop firmly closed. I'll find some links for off-the-shelf Iranian or Korean rockets and post them to complete the package.


Governor Charles Lawrence said...

Can't we just deport the lot to the Cape Colony or Van Diemen's Land?

Anonymous said...

Yea, we should just toady up to harper like Ed Hollett and the rest of Newfoundlandès Harper Liberals want us to do. Give me a fXXking break!

towniebastard said...

Normally, I don't print anonymous abuse, but there is something so spectacularly clueless about this one that made it hard to resist.

"Newfoundland's Harper Liberals". Priceless.

Anonymous said...

re: "Newfoundlandès Harper Liberals"

You are a bit slow aren't ya? What else do you call proported Liberals who support Harper and his candidates (like your pal Westtnut) to spite Williams?

towniebastard said...

Craig Westcott has the courage to stand behind his convictions and sign his name to them no matter what the consequences. He doesn't snipe behind the comfy cowardice of anonimity.

So don't think coming here and sniping at a much better person than you really ever could hope to be really impresses me all that much.