I really am trying to get a good hate on for Tom Cruise. But it's hard when everyone else has already been there, done that. Half the time it's hard to mock him because you look at him, and whatever his latest stunt is, and just go "Jesus, that's retarded. I can't mock it because he's already achieved some higher form of Mocking Nirvana."
Naming the girl Suri Cruise. Weird name, sure. Say it fast. It sounds like Syracruse. She's a town in central New York. Brilliant.
I can't even make any Scientology jokes because most of them have already been made. And really, how can you beat most of the stuff Defamer has been coming up with. Including this choice juicy bit:
We're sure that Cruise's previous adoptions were both special in their own right, but inevitably lacked the emotional impact of the arrival of his first biological child. He'll never forget the moment when newborn Suri was placed in his arms by a birthing technician who gently asked, "Is this one OK? Because we've got an entire warehouse full of them, and I can have someone run another one up here within five minutes," to which the proud father quickly replied, "No, this one is perfect. Make sure the mother is properly disposed of."
Fortunately, there is always something available to get my blood up, such as this story about Cruise showing up "unexpectedly" at a Rome media junket for Mission Impossible 3. This was the quote that set me off.
"My mission impossible was to be here today," the 43-year-old actor told reporters. "I didn't want to come. My daughter was just born and I didn't want to leave her and her mother."
Blow me. Right now, get on your knees and do it. Jesus H. Christ are you fucking kidding me? Is there anyone who believes this shit anymore? Is there anyone who doesn't believe that Katie Holmes was artificially inseminated to perfectly coincide with the opening of this movie? Is there anyone who doesn't believe that Cruise is so firmly heading down the same loony path that Michael Jackson did?
You didn't want to go, Tom? You're one of the richest, most powerful players in Hollywood. People might think you're a freak show, but they'll play along with it because, for right now, you make money. If you don't want to go because you're savoring time with your new born, swell. But to go "I really want to be with my child, but even though I'm fabulously rich and powerful, I'm going to come here and shill for my movie" makes me want to whack his head off something solid. Repeatedly. For many, many hours. Take a look at the animation of the side to get an idea. Except imagine the character is Cruise and my hand is behind his head.
I officially can't do it now. I was hemming and hawing about seeing MI:3. Because it might be a good action film. And I wanted to see what J.J. Abrams was going to do as the director. But I just can't give, no matter how small, that man any money. He was the worst thing about War of the Worlds and ruined the movie for me. Well, Spielberg did, if I'm honest. If only he had Cruise die by being eaten by one of the aliens.
That would have been okay. I probably would have paid to see it a second time and bought the DVD.