I fear I have a shameful confession to make. I am actually the father of Anna Nicole Smith's daughter. The other 25 men claiming to be the child's father are all lying bastards.
It's come as a shock to Cathy, but fortunately she's been very understanding (after she castrated me) and once the DNA testing is completed and it's confirmed that I am the father, she plans on adopting.
As for how the unlikely events that a relatively poor, slightly overweight, balding man living in the Arctic managed to hook up with a tabloid-loving, white trash, Marilyn Monroe wannabe, well, it's a long and sordid story and it's perhaps best not to get into it here on the blog.
Besides, Extra! has paid me $100,000 to give them my exclusive story. Not to mention it will mess up the book I'm writing on about it and possibly screw-up the negotiations for the movie-of-the-week biography due out in May, just in time for sweeps.
Plus, y'know, it's awfully painful to talk about and all.