Wednesday, July 29, 2009

20 oberservations from the Bruce Highway - Airlie Beach to Hervey Bay

1. Where the bloody hell did all these campers come from and why are they all refusing to go faster than 80 km/h? We hardly saw any campers from Cairns to Airlie, but I can't go 5 km without having to hit the brakes and patiently wait for a spot to try and pass them.

2. There are signs every couple of kilometres telling people to pull over, take a nap and make sure you don't die while driving on this highway. Do Aussie suffer from sleep apnea or something.

3. Nice to see some universal truths still hold - no matter where in the world you go, truck drivers are still suicidal assholes.

4. I think the Queensland government could stand to invest a little less in road signs encouraging me to take a nap and a little more on "overtaking" (ie passing) lanes. Just went 100 km without one. In the meantime, dealt with several logjams of frustrated car trying to get are small caravans of trailers refusing to either pull over or go faster than 80.

5. The Bruce Highway is just one long kangaroo graveyard, isn't it? I mean, that's an awful lot of 'roo roadkill.

6. Oh look, a live one is crossing the road. Cool.

7. Ooops.

8. (Just kidding. He made it across fine).

9. Past a sign warning of a koala crossing. Cathy informs me if I pulp a koala that's grounds for divorce.

10. Listening to a string of radio stations all playing the essential 2009 summer songs. Oddly entertaining. Complete list is on their website. Make mental note to check it when I get home for iPod ideas.

11. Rather than go into Rockhampton to spend the night, opt to divert into Yeppoon, which is supposed to be nice, according to Lonely Planet.

12. Lonely Planet writer clearly on drugs. Entire town feels vaguely creepy. Nobody smiles and people look at you suspiciously. Keep expecting to turn a corner and find Stephen King sitting down and saying "Oh, don't mind me, I'm just taking notes for the next novel." Of course, I'm reading King's "Duma Key" right now, so that might be influencing the thinking. A bit.

13. Later find out that Yeppoon used to be booming because of an offshore resort, but it closed. Now the entire town has that shell-shocked feel to it. As if it keeps waiting for the hammer to fall.

14. Driving through Rockhampton and pass by an "Adult Superstore". I imagine something like Costco, but where you can buy bulk dildos. Laugh hard enough to veer into oncoming traffic, thereby scaring Cathy to death for the 196th time this trip.

15. Are the men in Queensland all premature ejaculators? I ask this because an ad advertising a nasal spray to help curb premature ejaculation is playing an awful lot on the local radio stations. And how the hell does a nasal spray help with that?

16. However, the radio ad that nearly gets us killed is for a body wax place, where an overly cheerful Aussie male explains "Why beat around the bush when we can tear it off for ya!" Laughing so hard Cathy demands I pull car over before I hit something.

17. When a car comes towards you flashing lights and a sign saying "wide load" and the man driving the car is frantically waving his arms, it's best to pull over. They apparently don't kid around with that wide load shit here.

18. Radio news tells us that eight people died on Queensland highways in the past 24 hours. Honestly, I'm surprised that many don't die every day. The road is too narrow, there are too many slow moving vehicles, coupled with transport trucks and not enough passing lanes.

19. Aussies really have run have names to call their creeks. Have passed no less than 10 Alligator creeks, and innumerable creeks called 13 Mile Creek, Eight Mile Creek, 14 Mile Creek, etc.

20. Hervey Bay is much nicer than Yeppoon. Tomorrow off for a guided tour of Frazer Island. Looking forward to it.


Craig Westcott said...

Craig, the Globe, or Post, or somebody should be picking this stuff up and running it as an online feature. It's great travel writing.
Craig 2.

WJM said...

15. Are the men in Queensland all premature ejaculators? I ask this because an ad advertising a nasal spray to help curb premature ejaculation is playing an awful lot on the local radio stations. And how the hell does a nasal spray help with that?

Sounds like VOCM and its (former?) heavy rotation of the ad for all-natural male enhancement, in case you have any males needing to be enhanced.

dups said...

I think "Pulp A Koala" is probably one of the funniest expressions I have ever read. Oh and it would make an excellent title for a book.

nadinebc said...

Thanks for that post, it really had me laughing. And wanting to visit.

Adam Snider said...

1. We have "pull over, take a rest" type signs on the highways here in Alberta, too. But, they're not very common. The odd roadside rest stop will have them, but they're not all over the place.

2. There is actually a sex store chain in Edmonton (and probably elsewhere) called Adult Superstore. It's just a regular adult store, but with more videos than most. But, I like your image of a Costco for dildos. Hilarious.

indigo said...

OMG! # 14, 15, 16 are hilarious! "why beat around the bush......." indeed.
Unless Fraser Island has been totally gentrified (and I so hope not) it was a lovely place to spend a day, nice long white sand beaches, a very low impact eco resort, lots of pelicans and other semi exoctic birds, that sort of thing.
Watch out for the roundabouts, roo bars and judderbars and you in your jandals and eskie won't have to visit the panelbeaterss anytime soon.

Jackie S. Quire said...

LOL great post! Thoroughly enjoyed the randomness ....

@ number 15

Here's how I imagine the ad goes:

"Spray early and often so YOU don't!

By Men-en, (mate!)"

tanker belle said...

I really don't understand how the nasal spray works...of course it's probably best that I don't.

You're inspiring me to want to go to that part of the world - what, with me being in asia and all. But Himself says New Zealand rather than Aussie.

towniebastard said...

All right, since this post was popular, a few quick responses.

Craig, thank you. You're full of shit, but thanks. Actually offered the Telly first crack at a few travel stories from Australia, but they never responded. Then Barb emailed me from the Packet and commissioned two stories and photos. Which is why she's the best editor in the province (except you, of course)

2. WJM, this is as disturbing as those ads, but it's said with a sexy female voice instead.

3. Pulp a Koala is my new punk rock outfit when we get back to Iqaluit

4. Adam, I keep waiting for Costco to introduce a busk sex toy section, actually.

5. Thank you, Jackie. You got Cathy laughing pretty hard at that one.

danadana said...

I'm a bit late on the uptake, but #16 is a classic example of the antipodeans having the funniest advertising of all the commonwealth nations.