Thursday, September 04, 2008

Levi Johnston's 2008 so far...

How Levi Johnston life has been going the past five months.

Bonus - My hot girlfriend is finally ready to go all the way. Wondering if we need to use condoms or if she should be on the pill or something, but not sure. They should seriously have a class about that in school or something.

Uh oh - Hot girlfriend tells me she's pregnant.

Not Good - Informs me that religious beliefs prevent her from "taking care" of the problem. But the pre-marital sex was all right, though. Aw man....

Bad - Her mom is governor of Alaska with a popularity rating over 70 per cent. She knows how to shoot a rifle and gut a moose. Her popularity might actually go up if she kills me. Could be in serious trouble here.

Maudlin - Sitting at home looking at old myspace page. Laugh ironically at section where I say I don't want any kids. Consider deleting it, but fuck it, it's not like anyone reads myspace anymore.

Depressed - Residents in Wasilla snicker behind my back that I'm the dumb bastard who knocked up the governor's daughter. At least it can't get any worse than this.

Shock - Just heard on radio, hot girlfriend's mom is now vice-presidential candidate. Soon, whole world will know I knocked up her 17-year-old daughter. God hates me.

Shock and awe - Have just read online I'm getting married. This can't be happening. I'm, like, a sex god. And a good hockey player. And now I'm getting married at 18? Harsh, man.

Suspicion - Palin family wants to make up after unfortunate incident where Todd Palin tied me to the back of his ski-doo and drove at high speeds for several hours after he found I got his daughter pregnant. Invite me to come to Minnesota and hang out with them for the week. Told that Minnesota Wild might be interested in meeting and perhaps drafting me. Not sure I trust Palins anymore.

Truly fucked - Greeted at airport by, like, hundreds of cameras. Everyone has these weird, forced smiles. Some old dude takes me aside. Smiles. Whispers to me that he's going to be the next president of the United States. And that if I fuck it up for him he will show me what torture techniques the Vietcong used on him when he was a prisoner of war for five years. Old dude creeps me the fuck out, man.

Drugged - Woke up several hours later. Last thing I remember is getting in limo. Told a device has been implanted that zaps me anytime a camera is pointed at me when I'm with hot girlfriend, I mean, wife-to-be, and I'm not smiling.

Doomed - Dragged to hockey arena filled with old white people. Minnesota Wild nowhere to be seen. Fuck. Given suit to wear. Repeated blasts of electric current makes me smile for four hours straight. In agony. At one point, handed Sarah Palin's new baby, Trig. Told to look like an ecstatic and eager father-to-be or Secret Service will kick the shit out of me later.

Revelation - I think I might vote for that Obama dude in November. He seems nice.

I know some people might things it's cruel or mean to go after the kids like this. But honest to god, after the roiling disgust I had at watching what seemed like every member of the Palin/McCain family get to have their 30 second photo op with Trig at the convention last night and then watching Sarah Palin drag the poor kid up on stage in front of 30,000 screaming Republican lunatics....

Roger Simon hit it pretty well on the nose. You drag the kids out to promote yourself, you don't get to go on your high horse when the media uses them to criticize you. Live by the sword...

And as for Johnston, the guy should be a safe sex PSA. Seriously, Planned Parenthood should approach him. I assume the poor, dumb bastard just wanted to get laid like most normal 18-year-old males. Now look at him.

"Hi, I'm Levi Johnston. Like many teenage boys, I didn't understand the implications of not wearing a condom when having sex. But instead of a disease I've managed to knock-up the daughter of a vice-presidential candidate and face vast public scrutiny that is ruining my life. Many people in the US think I'm a dickhead. So remember, always wear a condom. Because you just never know..."

Last Five
1. The simplest thing - Hey Rosetta!
2. Brick - Ben Folds Five (swear to God)
3. If I'd been the one - 38 Special
4. Dawn Anna - Ron Sexsmith
5. Name without a face - Ron Hynes*


Kate Nova said...

LOL, really.

dups said...

okay Craig, I've read a lot of things you've written. I've liked some of them.

This is utter brilliance, so sue me for falling to the floor laughing.

Brilliant and yes, I will go to hell I have no doubt.

Anonymous said...

"Always wear a condom. Because you just never know..."

Words to live by.

Anonymous said...

Arguably, your best since Italy.

..and I do not even give a tiny bit of a fuck about American politics.

towniebastard said...

All I can say is I felt a little tingling in my brain yesterday morning when I was in the shower and tried to crank this out as quickly as possible before it disappeared.

I'm not saying this is genius, but I am saying it was one of those rare occasions where I felt I really had a good column idea. And since I left the Packet, those feelings have been few and far between.

And I am serious; he should do PSAs. If he isn't the poster child for safe sex, I don't know who is.

Karin said...

It is funny Craig! Very funny. I wasn't in the mood yesterday for funny but today this works! ;)

Matthew and Michele said...

This post is absolutely hilarious. One of the best posts I have read this year. I like the poke at the religious right wing. Yes to sex but no to sex education.

This kid got caught with is hand in the wrong cookie jar.


The Coconut Diaries said...

Freaking priceless! THIS should be an ad for Mastercard.

I am beginning to think they superglued Levi and Bristol's hands together during the convention. They did not let go. My husband (who wasn't threatened by water torture to propose to me) doesn't hold my hand that much!!

Remind me again why its OK for these to get married but not gay couples in long-term committed relationships? That's right, because shotgun weddings are SACRED!

Anonymous said...

Perhaps Mr. Johnston should possess his life and had is as feel does in a roiling sort of way. Hehe.

Obama's mother was a teenager and unwed when she became pregnant by his already married father. Obama was then raised most of his childhood by his mother's mother. He's now the leader of the Democratic party. I guess his mother and Bristol Palin would have understood each other. Just think, if Obama's mother had chosen abortion, Hillary would be Democratic leader. Just sayin'. Oh yeah, I'm a pro-choice mama with a heavy leaning toward women running the whole damn world.
Aside from that, Palin is a crappy mother but ironically will make an excellent Vice President, just like JFK was a lousy husband but a good president. Ya just never know do ya? I couldn't give a fiddlers puck if the name is Hillary or Sarah or Josephine, as long as a woman gets in that white house and starts a trend. Oh yeah, Sarah plays MUCH better Bball than Obama. She got game. McCain proves that once a soldier always a soldier and his battle strategy is nothing short of brilliant.

Way Way Up said...

Hilarious post......loved it. 5 stars!!

Craig Westcott said...

Craig, that's the funniest thing I've read in a while. I'm still smiling here as I type.
Craig 2.

Zwizzler said...

Brilliant! Love it!

WJM said...

I'm not worthy.

I'm not worthy.

I'm not worthy.

I'm not worthy.

Anonymous said...


That was some funny stuff.

Matt, Kara and Hunter said...

Frig-a-roo that was funny.

Sharlene said...

Hilarious. And most likely incredibly accurate. Well done

Saskboy said...

This post was nominated as a Super Post of 2008. I bet you didn't think it would be in the running for an A.S.S.P.O.T.Y. Award when you wrote it, eh? ;-)