How Levi Johnston life has been going the past five months.
Bonus - My hot girlfriend is finally ready to go all the way. Wondering if we need to use condoms or if she should be on the pill or something, but not sure. They should seriously have a class about that in school or something.
Uh oh - Hot girlfriend tells me she's pregnant.
Not Good - Informs me that religious beliefs prevent her from "taking care" of the problem. But the pre-marital sex was all right, though. Aw man....
Bad - Her mom is governor of Alaska with a popularity rating over 70 per cent. She knows how to shoot a rifle and gut a moose. Her popularity might actually go up if she kills me. Could be in serious trouble here.
Maudlin - Sitting at home looking at old myspace page. Laugh ironically at section where I say I don't want any kids. Consider deleting it, but fuck it, it's not like anyone reads myspace anymore.
Depressed - Residents in Wasilla snicker behind my back that I'm the dumb bastard who knocked up the governor's daughter. At least it can't get any worse than this.
Shock - Just heard on radio, hot girlfriend's mom is now vice-presidential candidate. Soon, whole world will know I knocked up her 17-year-old daughter. God hates me.
Shock and awe - Have just read online I'm getting married. This can't be happening. I'm, like, a sex god. And a good hockey player. And now I'm getting married at 18? Harsh, man.
Suspicion - Palin family wants to make up after unfortunate incident where Todd Palin tied me to the back of his ski-doo and drove at high speeds for several hours after he found I got his daughter pregnant. Invite me to come to Minnesota and hang out with them for the week. Told that Minnesota Wild might be interested in meeting and perhaps drafting me. Not sure I trust Palins anymore.
Truly fucked - Greeted at airport by, like, hundreds of cameras. Everyone has these weird, forced smiles. Some old dude takes me aside. Smiles. Whispers to me that he's going to be the next president of the United States. And that if I fuck it up for him he will show me what torture techniques the Vietcong used on him when he was a prisoner of war for five years. Old dude creeps me the fuck out, man.
Drugged - Woke up several hours later. Last thing I remember is getting in limo. Told a device has been implanted that zaps me anytime a camera is pointed at me when I'm with hot girlfriend, I mean, wife-to-be, and I'm not smiling.
Doomed - Dragged to hockey arena filled with old white people. Minnesota Wild nowhere to be seen. Fuck. Given suit to wear. Repeated blasts of electric current makes me smile for four hours straight. In agony. At one point, handed Sarah Palin's new baby, Trig. Told to look like an ecstatic and eager father-to-be or Secret Service will kick the shit out of me later.
Revelation - I think I might vote for that Obama dude in November. He seems nice.
I know some people might things it's cruel or mean to go after the kids like this. But honest to god, after the roiling disgust I had at watching what seemed like every member of the Palin/McCain family get to have their 30 second photo op with Trig at the convention last night and then watching Sarah Palin drag the poor kid up on stage in front of 30,000 screaming Republican lunatics....
Roger Simon hit it pretty well on the nose. You drag the kids out to promote yourself, you don't get to go on your high horse when the media uses them to criticize you. Live by the sword...
And as for Johnston, the guy should be a safe sex PSA. Seriously, Planned Parenthood should approach him. I assume the poor, dumb bastard just wanted to get laid like most normal 18-year-old males. Now look at him.
"Hi, I'm Levi Johnston. Like many teenage boys, I didn't understand the implications of not wearing a condom when having sex. But instead of a disease I've managed to knock-up the daughter of a vice-presidential candidate and face vast public scrutiny that is ruining my life. Many people in the US think I'm a dickhead. So remember, always wear a condom. Because you just never know..."
1. The simplest thing - Hey Rosetta!
2. Brick - Ben Folds Five (swear to God)
3. If I'd been the one - 38 Special
4. Dawn Anna - Ron Sexsmith
5. Name without a face - Ron Hynes*