Funny women

This is a touch dated, but I recall thinking at the time that I wanted to write about how stupid it was, but couldn't figure out how to do it. Then inspiration struck...

The story in question was this particular idiot, Edie Brill. Eddie got himself in some trouble recently by saying that women aren't particularly funny. Which might be fine if he was another shmuck mouthing off online. The problem was he was (note the tense) the comedy booker for the David Letterman Show. His comments didn't go over well, as he is now the ex-booker.

I understand he's talking about professional comedians here, but there is the implied statement in there that women overall aren't very funny. It's not the first time I've heard this and it is, of course, insane. I wouldn't have married Cathy if she didn't have a sense of humour. And if I had to pick the three funniest people I know, two of them are women.

The one guy is Seamus, who is actually a semi-professional stand-up comedian. He's performed at Yuk Yuks, made it to standup finals in Newfoundland, carried a notebook to jot down ideas (probably still does) and worked to polish his set. He could actually be a very, very good stand-up comedian, but in order to do that you have to actually suffer years of rejection and torture before making it. I think he ultimately took a look at that and decided it wasn't the life for him. Which, you know, fair enough. For every Chris Rock, Louis CK and Patton Oswalt there are thousands of stand-ups who go nowhere, no matter how much sweat they put into it.

But he's a hell of a funny guy. He quoted me one of his routines, which bombed because the audience was totally wrong for his humour, and he had me crying I was laughing so hard.

As for the women, well, first we have Andrea...Andrea has been killing me for years. Whenever I go back to St. John's these days, time conspires against me and I don't have time to visit everyone. I always make time for Andrea, because she's brilliant. It's just dry, sarcastic humour, but it's awesome stuff.

We became friends during the mid-90s...I've never been much of a drinker, but I still liked going to bars for the social aspect. I loved going out to bars with Andrea because she would sit on her favourite stool at the Duke, men would buy her drinks and then she would just eviscerate them...I mean it was a Masters class in male ego destruction (if I'm honest, it probably was indirectly responsible for my miserable luck with trying to ask women out at that point in time because I just assumed they could all do what Andrea did). And they would keep coming back for more. Several times a night, some idiot would buy her a pint, she would take it, they would hit on her and then she would crush them with her wit. I would just sit next to her, keep my head down and try not to fall off to stool from laughing so hard.

It's always been that way. She's smart, quick and priceless. Last week was a pretty miserable week for me and a lot of my friends. It was genuinely hard to find some laughs. After a funeral service and an impromptu wake on Middle Cove Beach, several of us retired to the Ship for a drink. During the course of chatting, we had a conversation that went something like this:

Me: Are you working tonight?
Andrea: Yeah..
Me: So who's playing?
Andrea: Some fucking wanker DJ playing with his Macbook on a stack of milk crates...
Me: (head on the table laughing)
Andrea: And the only thing worse than the DJs are the crowd of assholes they attract. Is it really so hard to find clothes that fit? The guys all wear baggy shit and the girls are barely wearing anything. Christ...

On a bad day, where humour was scarce, God love her for finding a laugh...

I'm going to hold back the name of the other person, just because she works in the courts. But her stories from the courts crack me up. I can't even relate them because I'm reasonably sure I could get her in trouble. But whenever I need a laugh I can just ask her how court was and she can reliably relate something that seems too impossible to be believed.

A recent example.
Me: How's court today?
Her: The usual band of miscreants. The courthouse smells like chip fat and Belevedere tobacco.

or

Her: I am an evil bitch who takes joy in the suffering of others. It's a career strength.

or

Me: Dealing with any criminal retards today?

Her: Alleged criminal retards...

I seriously pity anyone who has to go up against her in court. Again, smart, quick, devastatingly cutting and absolutely hilarious. I swear to God, if I ever get back to writing again seriously, there is a TV show waiting about her court adventures that would be some bizarre mutant hybrid between Republic of Doyle, Night Court and Ally McBeal...

Could the two of them be stand-up comedians? Probably, but it would be a serious waste of their gifts.

Look, if you're saying you don't know any funny women, then you just must not know many women or have your head up your ass. Men should be frankly scared of how funny women are.

Lord knows I should be, but I'm normally too busy laughing to be too worried...

Last Five
1. Nothing more to say - Joel Plaskett Emergency
2. Firecracker (live) - Elton John and Ryan Adams
3. Amazing Grace (live) - Ani DiFranco
4. Long time comin' - Bruce Springsteen
5. The boy who could explode - Matthew Good*